Let’s just flip this idea on its head and consider the inverse: let’s say that person A loves someone, person B, (be they a friend, family, or a partner) for a couple of years in the way you describe as more of a “you’re my tribe” type of love…then suppose that person B comes down with cancer and person A decides that this is pretty inconvenient for their lives and decides it’s time to terminate the relationship — is that really love?
Is convenient affinity also love? Sure, I have love for my bros, but with my bros, it’s understood that my relationship takes presidence, but that’s not the case with poly dynamics when sex becomes involved.
The thing is, we can’t consider love to be just the positive feelings we experience with someone and then neglect them when difficult times come. Imagine where your marriage with James would be if that’s how your relationship was. Safe to say, it might not have lasted. So, I tend to agree with the loosely defined term “love” as you use it, yes, but when it comes to serious relationships, it’s time to ditch the pretense that everything is rosy and be open, honest, and direct with our level of commitment and what the word “love” means to us…this is how we avoid confusion. We definitely don’t want to lead people on or give them the wrong idea that our intentions aren’t what we say they are. So, if we want to use the term “love” to mean this loose description of just liking people or a profound attraction that might be gone the moment something goes seriously wrong, it’s best that we qualify that and let them know that this is where they stand.
We need to be brutally honest with them that our love is only going to be there when it’s convenient. This is especially important as the situation becomes more like mine when we now have three people involved and invested deeply in our relationships: what happens if husband wants to call it quits? What then? If it was a, “You’re my tribe,” kind of love, someone would be very, very upset, be it me or he, and almost certainly her. It’s absolutely vital that we’re open about all of this stuff and define things carefully. Again, your relationships are casual, more like dating, not serious long-term relationships, but there are different styles out there, more like mine and even more than that. Your level of commitment is minimal and hey, that’s okay, that’s what works for you, and like I said in the other thread, I’m just suggesting that our lifestyles are different, that’s all.
This is what the whole basis of consent really is all about, making sure that everyone’s on the same page so people don’t get taken advantage of, or worse, abused.
I stand by my premise that love must be inconvenient, because loving someone only when it’s convenient for us is just simply too selfish to be genuine, healthy love. Resistance is the foundation of every great relationship, monogamous, poly, or what have you…
Love isn’t something that’s easily replaceable, in my view, it’s the most important thing in the world, so I’m not saying we should guard it, to the contrary, we should share and expand it, but we should also be real about what it means to actually love someone with action.
