Politics | Humor

We Might Have to Put an Ankle Monitor on the President

The President visits the border wall after his Twitter and Facebook suspensions


In one of the grandest displays of callousness ever, and a total inability to read the room, the President of the United States will emerge from his bunker on Tuesday to go visit the U.S. border wall with Mexico. In his mind, he’s probably going to visit his beautiful legacy that he’ll bequeath the world.

To the rest of us, he’s going to visit the place where it all began, the monument to white supremacy that let us know what he was really about. Xenophobia, racism, inflammatory language, and locking kids in cages with policies of border separation. Toss in an attempted coup d’état as our relationship became more and more strained, and it’s quickly beginning to look like Trump is about to become the most toxic ex-boyfriend America has ever had.

Violent, abusive, talking down to you all the time, stealing your hard-earned cash so he could party with his rich friends, sleeping with Russian women behind your back all the time; trying to force you to comply with shit you don’t want to do — and now he’s even breaking your stuff. Your house is destroyed!

Don’t deny it. Now’s not the time for denial. Why does everyone want to downplay how toxic their relationships are? You know exactly what happened.

He invited all of his friends to come party at your house the other night — without your permission — and he told them to “wreck everything.” The same night, they all got super drunk and threatened to kill the Vice President. They erected a noose in your front yard and looked for the Vice President everywhere. Thankfully, they didn’t find him.

He also invited his super racist friends and they hung up a bunch of Confederate flags all over your walls, knowing full damn well how much you hate racism. We all hate his super racist friends, but somehow, they always find out where the party is so they can show up and ruin everything for everyone else. Racist friends: ruining great American parties for 401 years straight.

It was not a good time for anyone who was there — and it was the final straw.

It’s over.

And now, instead of apologizing, Trump’s just going to act like nothing happened. He’s hoping you don’t mention it. Maybe he can slip it all under the rug. Maybe if he just visits the border wall, you can see what an accomplishment he’s done and everything can just go back to normal.

No harm, no foul — right?

His pride and joy monument to white supremacy is a project he came nowhere near finishing, too, just like almost everything he tried to do over the course of his presidency. No doubt he wants a participation trophy. But it’s just another failed attempt to win you over. It’s just more bullshit and lies that he wants you to believe so he can manipulate you into staying.

The wall was barely even started. Rather than having a lengthy wall that the racists across America could cling their beers over and celebrate, Trump’s puny three-mile stretch of new border wall must be uninspiring to him and the racist arm of his following alike.

And like most inadequate men, he’s spent the last four years reminding you how “great” he thinks he is, calling his racism wall “beautiful” and other absurd terms that belong nowhere near a racism wall. Meanwhile you want to throw up every time about the fact that he suggested a racism wall in the first place, let alone the fact that he’s now trying to take pride in never finishing it.

You’d figure by now he’d be able to point to any place on a map of the US-Mexico border and there would be a big, shiny racist-wall. But no, he has to go to a small town called Alamo, Texas to visit the failed project. And there’s nothing wrong with Alamo, Texas, of course. I’m sure it’s a beautiful place and the people are nice. I’m sure the only thing wrong with Alamo, Texas will get there on Tuesday.

Honestly, I can’t help but wonder what’s going through his mind. Is he reflecting on what could’ve been? Is he going to whine and beg you to take him back, as he and his friends stalk you and tell you you’re overreacting?

He can’t even admit he was wrong, not even a little bit. But on some level, it has to be sinking in that the relationship is over. You told him back in November but he just acted like you were still a thing. You even told him you started seeing this new guy named Joe with a really great smile. But he’s fought you the whole damn way all the way up until the events that unfolded this week when the whole world went crazy.

And now, bands of Trump goons are getting arrested for ransacking the U.S. Capitol, including a member of the House of Representatives, a tech CEO — and just plain guys from states with alarming levels of Trump supporters like Florida and Arizona. It has to be sinking in. He’s lost. It’s over. We don’t want him. We’ve moved on. And we’re not about to forget everything he put us through.

We’ve called the cops. We’ve given statements. We’re filing charges on everyone.

And I think we’re going to have to put an ankle monitor on the President of the United States. We can’t have him doing the most ironic thing ever: trying to cross the border and flee into Mexico illegally. I hear there are a few prosecutors around the U.S. who might be interested in talking to him.

From Los Angeles, California. Life isn’t a series of many moments, but one moment that is always changing. Buy me coffee here: https://ko-fi.com/joeduncan

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